Letters To The Neapolitan Mastiff

To Whom It May Concern @Exchanging Pleasantries:

I recently met a girl and I really like her, but I’m not sure how to tell her, “Call me Mr. Flintstone, because I can make your bed rock,” . To be perfectly honest, the only thing I’ve managed to tell her is, “We don’t buy no drinks at the bar, we pop champagne because we got that gold.” She looked at me kind of strangely, and then asked who “we” was. Anyway, my real concern is that I really like her and the only gold I have is a Sacajawea dollar coin. I am also pretty sure I could make her bed rock. What should I do?

Loyal Reader,

Lamar Wilcox

Dear Lamar,

I’m glad you brought this up. First, I would like to address your Sacajawea. It’s not a gold coin; it’s a gold-plated coin. Secondly, does the young lady in question ‘have that good, good’ or in other words, ‘is she Michael Jackson bad’?.  Personally, we at Exchanging Pleasantries would recommend holding off on ‘making bed rocks’ because, being traditionalists, we believe, “if you like it you should put a ring on it.” Call us old-fashioned.

Be forewarned, often young ladies, when approached with such a question are likely to respond with something like, “you ain’t going to tie me down,” or something slightly closer to Standard Written English, which excludes ‘ain’t’. Those women are either intelligent or floozies and this is taken on a case-by-case basis.

-The Neapolitan Mastiff

All advice is given from a place of understanding comparable to “in a perfect world.” Rather than using that exact phrase, which is absolutely hammered, Exchanging Pleasantries works from a different school of thinking brought about by a Southern and avante-garde rapper, Lil Wayne. We posit all advice from the premise, “What if Lil Wayne actually did fuck every girl in the World?”

1 Comment

Filed under Formal Correspondence

One response to “Letters To The Neapolitan Mastiff

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