On Splits and Halfs (sic): A Study

The Subject Was Champagne (Bottles).

You can split a half, but a split can’t really be split at all. Or at least not in a way, which would leave both parties satisfied.

A half is 375 ml, which is half of a regulation-sized bottle of Moet[1]. A split is 187 ml, which is 2 ml shy of being a quarter of the 750 ml bottle.

A split is half of a half. A split is also a quarter. Referring to a tiny bottle of champagne as a ‘quarter’ isn’t the slightest bit alluring and it has drug connotations.[2]

A split is decidedly sexier sounding than a quarter. A quarter, for all intents and purposes, is too practical a name for 187 ml of sparkling white wine from France.

Now that all that is out in the open, my only other comment would be:

Dear Franco-fanatic Americans Distributing Tiny Bottles of Wine,

Split and Half are synonymous. Or they’re close enough for James Bland[3]

“The band is split, half and half,” J.B.[4]

-The Neapolitan Mastiff

[1] Moet, despite being a French company, has a Dutch name. Therefore, the pronunciation includes the letter ‘t’. If you mention it without the ‘t’, I won’t have the slightest idea what you are talking about. It’s like talking about beer only calling it bee. Get it?

[2] http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=quarter

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Bland

[4] This quote may be of no relevance, but that’s irrelevant.

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Filed under Red Cups, Staring Into A Cobalt Pool

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