Letters To The Neapolitan Mastiff

Dear (The) Neapolitan Mastiff,

It’s that time of the year again. Time to swap out the hoop-dee (1989 Toyota Tercel, gray on gray interior, manual, 210,300 miles, drives great $650 OBO) for a new whip! I was thinking about getting myself a “Beemer, Benz or Bentley.” It’ll probably be midnight blue with vanilla/cherry interior, a 4,500 horsepower minimum and a sunroof so I’m not chronic smelly when I stumble out of the tele/my Beemer, Benz or Bentley.

In your humble opinion, does the pleasure of vehicular fellatio outweigh the financial consequences of crashing my (future) Bentley?

By the way, when Lloyd Banks says, “My jeans are never empty,” is he referring to the fact that he has a lot of things he keeps in his pocket (like pens, Subway sandwich gift cards, prophylactics, and parking validation tickets?) or is he perpetually aroused or is he bragging about gaining weight?

I’m at a loss: Beemer, Benz or Bentley… they’re all fiyaaaaaa.

Loyal Reader,

Lamar Wilcox

My Dear Lamar,

Lloyd Banks is single-handedly slaughtering the American car industry. He should be detained at whatever the current equivalent of Guantanamo Bay and tried (or just detained) as a terrorist/saboteur for his unabashed endorsement of European automobiles.

Now I don’t particularly like Detroit as a city, but that doesn’t mean I would drive (no pun intended) a stake through the heart of its economy for a more refined interior, smoother ride and better gas mileage! Lloyd Banks is trying to deflect profits from good Americans like Joe Six-Pack and Jason Stackhouse into professionally manicured foreign hands.

Gone are the days when a Top 40 singer would endorse a Kentucky sour mash bourbon and a little red Corvette.

I have reason to believe that Mr. Banks never worries about the financial repercussions of driving and enjoying the company of a young woman. Based off of what I’ve read (his lyrics) he employs a driver (an undocumented worker who sends money back to his family in Elba) and his insurance policy covers driving whilst high or receiving an HJ or both.

-The Neapolitan Mastiff


In the future, please to do not bombard our readership with any advertisements (save it for Craigslist).

All advice is given from a place of understanding comparable to “in a perfect world.” Rather than using that exact phrase, which is absolutely hammered, Exchanging Pleasantries works from a different school of thinking brought about by a Southern and avante-garde rapper, Lil Wayne. We posit all advice from the premise, “What if Lil Wayne actually did fuck every girl in the World?”

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