Letters To The Neapolitan Mastiff

Dear (The) Neapolitan Mastiff,

I know from your banner that dating isn’t one of your specialties. If it was one, your banner would probably read: Specializing in Dating, Alcoholism, Patriotism and Fishing, but I didn’t know where else I could turn.

When it comes to dating, I’d say I’m like a horse in one of those roundabout competitions. I get to the arena, “I met her in the club.”  My kicks are fresh, my general appearance is dapper if not, dope. I mean, I’m doing everything right, like YG says, “Then I said wassup,” believe me, I say what’s up. I may even offer to buy her a drank, but then things go askew. I don’t take her to the crib and though, later on, I may go home to fuck/cut (radio edit), it will be a solitary act. That is to say, the lady in question didn’t “toot it from the back and you know she made it clap,” at least not with me. This seems to make the most important part of the toot it and boot it routine hard. How can I boot it, if I haven’t tooted it? Can I just boot it? Is it better to boot and toot? Can you boot without the toot and vice-versa?

Loyal Reader,

Lamar Wilcox

Greetings Lamar,

Dating, Alcoholism, Patriotism and Fishing? Lamar, please. That sounds like the 24 hours with Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, not the banner of a scholarly journal such as Exchanging Pleasantries.

Per the transition from entering the club to swapping salutations to bringing her to the abode and consummating the relationship, I believe you have taken YG’s summary of his own execution too lightly and too literally. This is a courtship we are talking about, as brief as it may be.

One: YG is two men. Two-on-one in nearly any setting (think of an odd man rush in basketball) is going to be easier than one-on-one, so the first lesson: power in numbers.

Two: YG offers more than a drink. I quote: “I can supply the pipe.” Take note Lamar, YG plumbing cleans house without ever getting under the proverbial sink.

With that in mind, another point to consider is the action of tooting and booting. You can, “do it all day only for one night (sic), and after that you gotta go cuz (sic) you aint (sic) my wife.” This is an example of YG’s Victorian prudery. Sure, he wants to practice a bit of hedonism, who doesn’t? What’s of note is that even though YG wants to dabble in sin he does not want to live in sin. Thus he toots it and he boots it.

Historically though, tooting and booting is dangerous. Toot and boot too much with strangers and you’ll end up on the cocktail for the rest of your life like one Not-So-Magic Johnson. Toot and boot too often with the same partner and you’ll end up with a scenario similar to the America/Mexico Immigration question. For decades the American government has essentially tooted Mexico for it’s cheap labor and resources and booted it’s citizens at the end of the financial quarter/lettuce picking season, but eventually, you/America will have to put the metaphorical ring on it.

Godspeed,

The Neapolitan Mastiff

All advice is given from a place of understanding comparable to “in a perfect world.” Rather than using that exact phrase, which is absolutely hammered, Exchanging Pleasantries works from a different school of thinking brought about by a Southern and avante-garde rapper, Lil Wayne. We posit all advice from the premise, “What if Lil Wayne actually did fuck every girl in the World?”

Leave a comment

Filed under Formal Correspondence

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s