Letters To The Neapolitan Mastiff

Dear (The) Neapolitan Mastiff,

Yesterday I went to the salon to get a pedicure. I’m going to Vegas next weekend and I wanted to clean up for the flip-flop scene at the pool. While I was there I observed some females getting their nail done, hair done, every thing done.

I happened to get seated next to a devil in a tight dress and I couldn’t help, but say, ‘Oh you fancy huh,
You you fancy huh.’ She gave me a sort of strange look, but not exactly a discouraging one and then said, ‘huh?’ I thought she was on the same page as me so I naturally I continued with, ‘Well aren’t you a breath of fresh air,
From all these superficial gold digging bitches in here.’ Well, apparently she wasn’t picking up what I was putting down because she spit on the floor and said, ‘What the fuck is your problem?’ I was so taken back, that I didn’t have time to adjust my next thought for her change in mood so I said,  ‘Girl you got it,
Let em know everything big.’

Barefoot, I was escorted out. On my drive home I started to wonder: is there anything to be gained by showering women with compliments instead of champagne and purple Bentleys? What do you give a woman that has everything?

Should I give props to a girl that’s a homeowner when I don’t own home? How do these women that are  spending hours in salons on (their) hairstyles,
in the mall steady racking up the air miles, afford to buy homes, clothes and eat bowls of baked ziti?

Loyal Reader,

Lamar Wilcox

Greetings Lamar,

I’d like to preface this by saying that there’s nothing wrong with being fancy. The Queen of England is fancy, but that’s because her country affords her the luxury. However, there is a difference between being a Queen  and taking out a new credit card so you can temporarily afford to fill your closet with Alexander McQueen. What Drake et al either don’t realize or don’t care to mention, is they don’t know where Tammy’s purple Bentley came from. They know she’s a homeowner, but not how she paid for it. It’s women like Tammy who caused the Subprime Mortgage Crisis. It’s simple; they bought extravagant homes with adjustable-rate mortgages in places like Fresno, Inland Empire and Phoenix at the height of the market. They overpaid and continued to get their nails done, hair done, everything done because their interest-only for five years mortgage was the same amount as renting a one bedroom apartment with a view of a strip mall.

I hate to place blame, but these women, with the encouragement of men like Drake and T.I., are almost entirely responsible for the boom and burst of the housing market. Now, I like a woman that’s I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, but the question is, does Drake know what that means? Webbie knew. She had her own house and her own car, but she also had two jobs and that’s why she was a bad broad! Drake’s girls are spending their days in front of mirrors with flat irons and nail files as opposed to working.

Tragically, Drake’s anthem led America into the housing crisis that we are currently in. If Webbie were more influential, our country might be in an entirely different place.

-The Neapolitan Mastiff

All advice is given from a place of understanding comparable to “in a perfect world.” Rather than using that exact phrase, which is absolutely hammered, Exchanging Pleasantries works from a different school of thinking brought about by a Southern and avante-garde rapper, Lil Wayne. We posit all advice from the premise, “What if Lil Wayne actually did fuck every girl in the World?”

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