COLT 45: An advance in oncological treatment?

Malt liquor? Check

Antioxidants? Check

Who says you can’t have it all?!?

It looks to me like Colt 45 believes you can.

Malt Liquor: A Very Brief History

Malt liquor is the lowest grade of booze on the planet. It is primarily consumed by the population of Skid Row, Homies (transcends race) and every teenager in America at least once by accident when you shoulder-tapped the wrong guy to buy you beer and he came out with a couple forties for you and your pals and one for himself. “Hey that wasn’t the deal, man!” you said, if you said anything at all and he cracked the seal on his bottle, winked and walked off into the mediocre grocery store sunset.

Antioxidants: A Very Brief History

About three years ago amateur health experts professed antioxidants were the hottest thing since the multivitamin. Personally, I believe it was a scam cooked up by blueberry farmers who were sick of carbohydrate-petrified consumers spending all their money on rib eye. Most people who peruse for health tips will read a headline on their Yahoo News homepage and without having read the whole article they will dedicate months of time and tons of presumably discretionary cash on some trending health craze they came across. Worse are the people who go by word of mouth.

In life there are fat people and skinny people. In times of desperation, fat people will listen to their genetically better endowed, skinny friend’s advice on how to ‘get healthy.’ This is frightening because skinny people don’t have a clue what they’re talking about—they’re just predisposed to not being obese. This doesn’t make them better informed. So now the ill-formed skinny person has spread some fabricated doctrine to an ill-advised fat person and thus the cancer of misinformation is spread. All of a sudden the fish oil is sold out at Trader Joe’s.

COLT 45 “Blast”

If you drink malt liquor you most likely do not read. I’m not championing email-sponsored news, but it’s often better than relying on your friend who regurgitates everything his Born Again Christian father-in-law says.

Conclusion: Chemotherapy equals poison, Colt 45 equals poison ergo Colt 45 is the new chemo.

I think it’s safe to assume Colt 45’s marketing team is looking to attract drinkers who are vaguely conscious of trends. Regular Colt 45 versus antioxidant-rich Colt 45. This crowd is the ghetto version of people who drink Michelob Ultra because it has six less calories than every other flavorless, domestic beer and Lance Armstrong drinks it. The logic is, of course, if you drink Michelob Ultra you’ll eventually win the Tour De France and have the cycling world forever think of you as a guy who got away with doping because he only has one…

The other demographic they’re looking to tap are those who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but who want to get embarrassingly intoxicated, vomit all over themselves and then wake up to pangs of misery and shame the next day. Who am I taking about? Children. Teenagers. The Four Loko crowd.

Obviously, I champion all sorts of abuse. I’d even champion antioxidant abuse except I can’t afford the habit. What I cannot support slash abide is Colt 45 being portrayed as the lesser of evils available at your local liquor store because they’ve added blueberry juice. But… do I think it’s amazing that they’ve put millions into this campaign? Yes. Do I want to hear rap songs talking about fighting cancer while also inflicting cirrhosis upon one’s liver? Yes! Did I shout cries of joy in the CVS parking lot when I saw this truck? Oh, hell yes. Do I still think it’s the most amazing ploy since Four Loko to get amateur drinkers savagely intoxicated? Absolutely.

-The Neapolitan Mastiff

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