Lately, I’ve been sowing the seeds for my first post-apocalypse gallery showing. The focus will be walls:
The Great Wall of China
The Berlin Wall
The White Picket Fence
The Barbed Wire Keeping L.A. Residents Away from City Hall
The show will focus on the forth-coming present, which I’ve recently christened: The Future-Present. It’s basically the opposite of everything anyone in pre-apocalyptic times ever did.
GREAT WALL: I’m no history buff, but from what I understand, if you died while building the Great Wall of China, they tossed your corpse in. It was sort of a scattering of ashes, only instead of drizzling cigarette butts into the Pacific, they tossed your rigor mortis ass in a hole and saved on concrete.
I’m a purist. I have a vision. I plan on having a few actors play dead Chinese scattered about my show. (In order to meet the SAG Ultra Low Budget guidelines I’ll most likely have to throw in some transgender Filipinos and a handful of black women) I know, I know, it’s not historically accurate but I’m not trying to be historically accurate. Mostly, I am concerned with being politically correct. Let there be black chicks. Let there be tan and hairless manginas. Maybe I’ll throw in a Hasidim. Who knows?)
ICH BIN EIN BERLINER: I am not afraid of being obvious. When it comes to the Berlin Wall, I shan’t go abstract. In fact, my approach is anti-abstract which I am tentatively calling Tangiblism.
My Tangiblist exhibit will consist of a David Hasselhoff mash-ups blasting from an Ipod hooked up to a Bose sound system that looks like the graffiti-marred wall. The system will also double as an espresso bar. (Standing room only. No wi-fi. ) As an austerity measure, Greeks will not be allowed entrance.
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF CALABASAS: The white picket fence will play on the classic American relationship between suburban housewives. One will be buckled over the fence. The other will be giving thy neighbor a proper ravishing. The neighbor manning the rear will be adorned with a decadent eight inches of ‘do unto thy neighbor as’… etc. Did you know Calabasas means pumpkin?
CROWN JEWEL OF SKID ROW: My exhibit will be a print-out of directions from the Valley and the Westside to City Hall (which is located in downtown.)
It’s not hard to miss. It’s one of four buildings downtown that hasn’t been lined with transients year-round since the mid-1970s. Maybe that’s because it’s wrapped in barbed wire. It’s conveniently located across the street from the LAPD headquarters, which is somewhat notable as it was built in 2009 for $440 million USD.
At the reception, everyone will be given a chance to speak, to respond, to criticize, to critique…
As long as you can prove one of your ancestors is buried in a wall in China.
I will jot meticulous notes, if you’ve driven David Hasselhoff to an AA meeting.
I will hang on your every word if there are attractive and promiscuous lesbians in your suburban neighborhood who blast their exploits via Instagram.
Lastly, upon my favorite masseuse’s grave, I swear to memorize everything you have to say about #Occupy once you’ve actually seen what you’ve been pontificating about since September.
Until then, I wait with bated breath for the wisdom that you may spew.
Obstacle Allusions is set to open shortly after the apocalypse. Currently, we’re in the funding stages of this project so we ask that you please donate whatever money you were planning to spend on gas, laser hair removal, imported beer, rhinoplasty, contraceptives, education, coffee, strippers, electricity, Italian flat leaf parsley, terrorism, champagne, manicures, Thai/Swedish hand jobs, and gruyere, to the “Arts”, namely ours.
Please donate soon! If we don’t raise $13.8 trillion by the apocalypse we won’t see a dime of your contributions.
Direct any questions to ExchangingPleasantries@gmail.com