The Maoris Brought the Rat

I’m not asking for much. Just a cause to die for where casual observers can casually compare me to Che Guevara. Is that so much to ask?

A cause! Not unlike the one that drove American Matthew Vandyke to join rebel forces in Libya to fight Gaddafi with a camera in his hand[1].

A cause! Such as the one that prompted Eduard Limonov to give up the comfort of being a Russian memoirist in Paris to carrying a Kalashnikov on behalf of a group of fascist Serbians for reasons that are still unclear to me.

A cause! Like the one that catapulted Jessie Andrews from a career in pornography to one as a dj.

Yes, I’ve been on the hunt for a cause of my own. Or I was until I found it just the other day.

The place: New Zealand

The cause: To exterminate all non-native mammals (read: all mammals except for the humans doing the exterminating) from the mainland and surrounding islands.

This is not a joke.

New Zealand’s Department of Conservation has been successfully exterminating weasels, rats, and ferrets for decades but only recently has it come to the attention of Kiwilanders (no one actually calls them that but I do not fear retaliation) that if they don’t do something quickly, their prized indigenous kiwi bird, as well as several other native avian species, will no longer land on park benches and in suburban backyards. No, their numbers could be scaled back to the point where the only place Kiwis, will be able to see kiwis, is the zoo. And to New Zealanders, that’s simply revolting.

So there’s been a call to arms by an organization called Predator Free New Zealand.

They’re promising to “rid NZ of harmful carriers of disease.” The disease carrying mammals in question are possums, mustelids (no idea what that is) and rodents.

And the threatened are chiefly the flora and fauna, as well as a bunch of “ground-dwelling birds.”

Now if the slow disappearance of non-flying birds doesn’t make your blood boil, then you’re dead inside. But I’m not dead inside[2] which is why I’m packing my bags and heading to LAX with nothing but a smile on my face and suitcase of rodenticides.

Once I’m there, I plan to get myself to the front lines. As a foreigner, I assume it’ll be important that I prove that I’m sympathetic to the cause and not a mole trying to infiltrate NZ’s extremist Eco-Conservationist Party. I’ll have to do something bold, like kill a bunch of possums and then wear their furs as a coat, or a hat. Apparently Genghis Khan’s soldiers used to wear coats of mice fur and they kicked a lot of ass, so I’ll probably go that route.

Wish me luck!

[1] Anything done with a camera in-hand is slightly less sincere and likely vainglorious, but still…

[2] This is contestable.