Category Archives: Eavesdroppings

Quiet Pints Will Be The Death Of Me

Quiet pints will be the death of me.

Let’s start at the end: a quaint neighborhood where respectable people walk their children to school and drink pH 9.5 Ethos water at $3.50 a pop at Whole Foods. I’m sprawled on the couch, dying. I awake from the dead. I rush to a tap, apply my lips and with the jaws (my own) of life, I suckle the teat of the tap, which is undoubtedly connected to the squalid L.A. River.

Nectar of the gods.

How did I get there? How do we ever find ourselves on couches with a world of hurt between our ears? The story is always the same: a quiet pint.

I met a friend for a quiet pint in a quiet bar on a quiet street at the quiet hour of a quarter to 8:00 p.m. I had a pint, alright. But this particular night, the pint was Irish whiskey. Nary a hop or barley in my glass due in part to it being Thursday.

We clanked glasses. Tried to keep our mangle-faced waitress at bay, Leave the drinks and be on your way, love. That’s girl. And keep ‘em coming. For some reason my friend had adopted an Irish accent. It may have been the whiskey. It was likely the whiskey.

The clock struck an hour that was undoubtedly early as we had arrived early. And having arrived early, and delighted that it was still early, we decided to do what any men, half-sopped in whiskey would do. We decided to go to Cheetahs. For a night cap.

Cheetahs… you’re a cruel mistress.

She taketh, and she taketh, and then she points out that there’s an ATM in the corner so she can continue the take.

But by nature she nurtures. Need a shoulder to cry on? You’ll likely find yourself buried in a set of surgically enhanced tits. Mind you, they serve liquor at Cheetahs so the tits you find yourself nuzzled among will be concealed, or at least obscured by a bit of cotton.

The girls are friendly. The girls are foreign.

The girls like my friend much more than they liked me. Breathe a sigh of relief. The attention of strippers is not only emotionally and physically taxing, it’s also a fiscal burden. Not unlike a war. With no end in sight. Want to keep an eye on things in a country you don’t govern? Want to have a night cap in a room full of naked women you don’t love? It’s going to cost you, pal.

Me? I made new friends. A South Korean and Syrian who were speaking Spanish with an Argentinean accents. They had done time together in a town called Rosario. Now they were doing time together in a strip club in Hollywood. I drank their Blue Label. I laughed at their jokes. I took their picture. I made some new friends who invited me to jump in their car and take a ride to another locale.

THANK FUCKING GOD I DIDN’T GET IN THAT ESCALADE AT 1:59 A.M.

I lost my friend, the one who’s a hit with the girls from Lithuania, Iowa, Russia.

A half dozen girls born after the fall of the Berlin Wall take my hand and promise me the ride of my life. I’m no shape for it. I search my pockets. I find the Korean’s business card. I dial the number a hundred times and berate myself for not jumping in that S.U.V. and undoubtedly missing the 3:00 a.m. of a lifetime. Like I said, I was in no shape…

I scan the room: skin heads, suits, strippers.

I enter the V.I.P. room. You’re familiar with mechanical bulls. They heave and hoe and toss drunk people to the floor… for fun. Well, there was no mechanical bull in the room, but my poor friend sat at attention while Electra from Slovenia rode him like she was bare-backing a malfunctioning mechanical bovine. She hung on for dear life. I was sure she was going to throw her back out. She looked like she was having a fucking seizure on my friend’s thigh. Mind you, Electra’s in the best shape of her life and I’m no position to judge her ability to crush a pelvis. All I’m saying is it didn’t look like a good time.

Of course, the man paid for the ride so I let the rest of the song play. I interjected before she could offer him another round of whiplash.

At this point, the night was no longer young and our pockets were no longer full of the promise of a good time. Spartans we had been or so we thought, but it was time to hang up the blunt object that was our pickled brains. It was time to face the dawn. We made for the exit. We let down a lot of nice young girls who were just looking to take all of our money. We promised to come back soon.

Quiet pints. Quiet pints will be the death of me.

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Eavesdrop It Like It’s Hot!

“Some days, the only thing that gets me out of bed, is the chance that today might be the day, The Sartorialist takes my picture.” Le Trousdale, West Hollywood

“It’s like being broke at Magic Mountain and you can’t afford the six dollar hamburger, but you’re happy—you’re at Magic Mountain.” Runyon Canyon, Hollywood

“She’s been a lesbian since the day she was born. She probably popped out wearing a toolbelt.” Monty’s, Topanga

“In my past life, I must’ve been a slave trader or a club promoter. That’s the only possible explanation for why my car keeps getting towed.” LA Live, DTLA

“Who would you rather make-out with Bob Hoskins or pre-weight loss Oprah?” Manny’s El Tepeyac, Boyle Heights

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Eavesdrop It Like It’s Hot!

“Did you ever feel like there was sapphic tension between Lucy and Ethel?” Au Pont Wine Bar, Playa Vista

“Do you guys have any drugs?” W Hotel, Hollywood

“Fashion students? They’re like Chihuahuas. They’re disagreeable even when they aren’t yapping.” Fred Segal Comfort Café, Santa Monica

“It seems I’ve lost the mayor’s tongue.” L.A. Library, Edendale Branch

“I just can’t figure out how to tell him—although he’s spiritual Echo’s father, biologically there’s a possibility that he’s more of an, um, uncle.” N.A. Meeting (cigarette break) Ojai

-The Neapolitan Mastiff




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Eavesdrop It Like It’s Hot

“Wow, everything in here’s so old!” Natural History Museum, Los Angeles

“I’ve always wanted to name my daughter Sophie, but I’m afraid of the sophist implications. You know what I mean?” Langer’s, Downtown L.A.

“It was supposed to be a perfectly respectable night of binge drinking. Then Phil showed up with Four Lokos.” Pac Sun, Woodland Hills

“You don’t want it? I’ll take that Free Weezy shirt. Shiiiiit, he’ll be back in two weeks!” PlaBoy Liquor, Hollywood

“I cannot wait to be impotent — I’m sick of being bullied by my pig-headed libido!” AK Bar, Silver Lake

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Eavesdrop It Like It’s Hot

 

“He buys tofurkey and thinks Tilda Swinton’s a babe. He’s into dudes, bro.” Brew Co., Brentwood

“I don’t mind looking like a Scientologist every once and a while.” Home Restaurant, Los Feliz

“Man, all these blogs are ripping the shit out of the new Belle & Sebastian album!” Book Soup, West Hollywood

“In moderation, cocaine is no worse for you than a salami sandwich.” Brite Spot, Echo Park

“Bitches come back to me like rental cars!” Vice, Hollywood

 

-The Neapolitan Mastiff



 

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Eavesdrop It Like It’s Hot

“I’m making my child birthing playlist, and it’s really good so far.” YAS Fitness Center, Venice

“I shaved my moustache off for that girl, man! Now that she left me, I’ve got a clean lip and a hole in my heart.” Short Stop, Echo Park

“I can’t do anything before I read my horoscope. I won’t leave my condo.” APA Reception Desk, West Hollywood

“Anyone know what stop to get off for the county jail?” Pershing Square Metro Stop, Downtown L.A.

“One of my girlfriends had her baby shower on 9/11, just to put some positive energy out there on that day. I love, love, love that!” Lido Dry Cleaners, Hollywood

The Neapolitan Mastiff

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Eavesdrop It Like It’s Hot

“It’s never too late for a sex change.” La Cita, Downtown LA

“The best judge of a man’s virility is his nose. A nice, broken monstrosity of a nose equals the virility of a stallion. Adrian Brody being the exception.” Margeaux’s Hair Salon, Los Feliz

“I see my career taking a similar trajectory to Jon Hamm’s. I probably won’t do anything until I’m 37.” Hollywood Bowl (Catering Tent), Hollywood

“Drug-abuse? That’s not an excuse for missing breakfast. We had an appointment!” Art’s Deli, Studio City

“I’m just seriously over this recession. Like, can’t we just get over it?!?” Osbrink Agency Open Casting, Universal City

-The Neapolitan Mastiff

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