Tag Archives: Pertinent Information For Leading A Gratifying Existence

The Neapolitan Mastiff: On Butyric Acid

What Hollywood and the Combalou Caves Have In Common

There are mornings

when the sun rises without August’s heat

where thriving rot, left-over bile, rancid malt liquor,

the city’s secretions

smell not of human waste

but rather — a fantastically tangy

Roquefort cheese.

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August: According To The Neapolitan Mastiff

Shhyeah!!!                        Nah Bruh!!!

Bacon-Infused Scotch                                       Splitting The Bill

Unmarked Taxis                                                 Dubstep

Top-Down Blasting NPR                                Scarves In Summer

Calling-In Sick                                                   Quoting Scripture On FB

Daddy Longlegs                                                 Loud,Wealthy and Conservative

Mad Men                                                             Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Cardigans

How I Became A Famous Novelist               Online Shopping

Growing A Babe-raham Lincoln                   Pre-Sunrise Call Times

‘I Feel Bonnie’ – Hot Chip                                Exostosis

Laissez Faire Law Enforcement                   Owning A Prius & A Yacht

-The Neapolitan Mastiff

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Protected: A Mind I Knew

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Fresh Fare For Summer

In the spirit of shrinking one’s carbon footprint… Squab, it’s what’s for dinner.

Please send any savory recipe suggestions to exchangingpleasantries@gmail.com

The Neapolitan Mastiff

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May: According To The Neapolitan Mastiff

Shhyeah!!!                        Nah Bruh!!!

UVA/UVB                                                             XX chromosomes using any variant of=)

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM-I Can Change                LCD SOUNDSYSTEM-Drunk Girls

Tony Romero’s Massive Crank Nail                  Jan Brewer

Words With Friends                                               “I’m just living the dream!”

Heat Induced Siestas                                                Grinding

Cisco Chavez’s pending paternity test                 Cisco Chavez’s pending jail time

Telephobia                                                                    Xenophobia

Asking out married women                                     “So what do you do?”

Carla Bruni Sarkozy                                                   Meter Maids

Killer Cam’s Latest                                                      Japanese Beer

http://soundcloud.com/dj-killer-cam/insert-air-horn-here

The Neapolitan Mastiff

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Protected: After I was Sucking Face with an Icy Russian and before my arm was bitten off by a Komodo Dragon

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Bienvenidos Spring

By early spring it’s nearly impossible to tell what time it is. During this time of the year I am practically perfunctory in my inability to do anything until it gets dark, which was fine when it was winter. Winter breeds discipline.

In the spring, I sleep more and do less because there are fewer hours to do. In summer, I am so occupied with doing nothing that I am absolutely blindsided[1] when one fateful morning I wake up and realize it is autumn.

In autumn, I repent. I swear to change and by the time the days have whittled down to just a few hours, I have changed. I am a new man. For three months, I live, breath, and occasionally sleep, discipline. Then the days start getting longer and I start becoming conscious of the fact that I have nine very serious months of fucking around ahead.

– Shago Martin as described to The Neapolitan Mastiff during a tequila bender.


[1] Much in the same way Sandra Bullock was blindsided by her philandering husband’s affairs.

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On Splits and Halfs (sic): A Study

The Subject Was Champagne (Bottles).

You can split a half, but a split can’t really be split at all. Or at least not in a way, which would leave both parties satisfied.

A half is 375 ml, which is half of a regulation-sized bottle of Moet[1]. A split is 187 ml, which is 2 ml shy of being a quarter of the 750 ml bottle.

A split is half of a half. A split is also a quarter. Referring to a tiny bottle of champagne as a ‘quarter’ isn’t the slightest bit alluring and it has drug connotations.[2]

A split is decidedly sexier sounding than a quarter. A quarter, for all intents and purposes, is too practical a name for 187 ml of sparkling white wine from France.

Now that all that is out in the open, my only other comment would be:

Dear Franco-fanatic Americans Distributing Tiny Bottles of Wine,

Split and Half are synonymous. Or they’re close enough for James Bland[3]

“The band is split, half and half,” J.B.[4]

-The Neapolitan Mastiff


[1] Moet, despite being a French company, has a Dutch name. Therefore, the pronunciation includes the letter ‘t’. If you mention it without the ‘t’, I won’t have the slightest idea what you are talking about. It’s like talking about beer only calling it bee. Get it?

[2] http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=quarter

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Bland

[4] This quote may be of no relevance, but that’s irrelevant.

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Filed under Red Cups, Staring Into A Cobalt Pool