I should have known what the doctor meant when he said: rectal exam.
Even when he asked me to turn on my side and curl into the fetal position, I didn’t quite get it.
When he told me to relax, I thought – Hey pal, you’re the one staring at the gateway to my bowels. I’m relaxed.
Two seconds and one shocking plunge later, I learned that this exam would not be strictly visual.
“Oh, DUDE. WHOA. What?!”
The nurse covered her mouth but it was as close to a spit-take as you can get while not drinking. She was maybe 28 and looked like she genuinely enjoyed hiking when not watching unsuspecting patients get throttled.
I never stopped saying, “WHOA. DUDE.” Even keeled but loud and definitely not relaxed. I might’ve said it a hundred times.
The doctor was now furious with the REI-loving nurse even though – between uncontrollable snorting laughs – she was apologizing. The doctor left without saying a word.
“I tried to warn you,” she said. She had come back to apologize for the third time. She strapped a cuff to my arm and the Velcro slowly peeled off. “Looks like we’re going to need the big one. You’re too jacked, DUDE.” She smiled and raised her eyebrows twice. Jesus Christ, what’s happening? I thought.
In scrubs, hooked to an IV, having been probed before breakfast – I was relieved she was… I don’t know what she was doing. It was sassy, playful and predatory all in one. But whatever it was, it indicated to me that I wasn’t dying or going to die (today) of anything other than embarrassment.
And no, not the embarrassment of having been violated in the name of my well-being – embarrassment that anyone else on the planet who is allowed to vote for an elected official, adopt a dog, raise children, navigate the 101 and 110 interchange – would have known that when a medical professional asks you to turn on your side, curl into the fetal position and relax – what comes next will not be a piercing look.[1]
[1] I have no idea what the object was, but it’s changed me forever. If you know, please don’t tell me. I am currently on a waitlist for the ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND treatment to have the encounter struck from the record (my brain).
Exchanging Pleasantries 
Excellent!