To Whom It May Concern @Exchanging Pleasantries:
In my lifetime, I’ve had two dreams.
- Kill George Eliot before she wrote Middlemarch. (too late, I know, but a dream is a wish your heart makes and that is mine.)
- Intern at Exchanging Pleasantries.
Please find the 2/5 of my C.V. below. I want a job.
To suckle the fruits of American labor before the entire population dies of obesity in 2012.
Stunting, flossing (dental), and ornithology (British usage)
Dear Shea Butter,
You’re not an ideal candidate. You don’t even Google. I was holding out for Christina Hendricks or Mubarak, but I’ve yet to hear back. Libya’s beloved Muammar Gaddafi is also in the running. We rely heavily on social media to communicate threats and he seems to have a knack for it.
Also, you appear to be ill informed. The anemic, androgynous, tanorexic inhabitants of my fair city (El Lay) are more likely to die of congestive heart failure than obesity.
That being said, we welcome you with open arms.
Fondly (you know what it is),
The Neapolitan Mastiff
 No pun intended. Well…
 The position of intern is filled, but you’re in luck! We need an internist. What say you? And where do you hail from?
Dear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hosni Mubarak,
As you probably already know, Exchanging Pleasantries is internationally renowned for our ability to capitalize on Twitter revolutions, ill-gotten funds, would-be strippers, mercurial minds, and zebra banana hammock closeout sales.
As men of fallen power, I propose we join forces!
Arnold: You would be our gastronomical expert/fitness correspondent. You could work from home or even better you could work from Muscle Beach. I’m not picky when it comes to material, but I’d like it if you did something about juice cleanses, rutabaga salads and why droves of men and women will wait for an hour for an Elliptical only to use it for twenty minutes. You could do lunges in between articles!
Mubarak: I was thinking you could be our dictator. Don’t look at me like you don’t want the gig. Your Swiss funds are frozen and you need some cash. We’ve all been there before. Frankly, if it wasn’t for our MacArthur fellowship, E.P. might have crumbled when the housing bubble burst. (One night in 2004, we got really drunk and bought a bunch of deltafront condos in Stockton.)Your takeover will be slow, but I want it to last at least thirty years. I suggest we discuss this further at your convenience. I hear you guys got your internet back, how about a Skype date?
Lastly, I propose we convene for a few short weeks to shoot a reality show based on our lives. I’ll play the gun powder snorting yoga instructor turned promising marine biologist, Arnold will be the Austrian body builder turned governor of California and Mubarak will play the Egyptian dictator turned American reality star! We’ll get James Cameron to direct the pilot! It’ll air on Fox! Snooki will join the cast for Season 2!
The Neapolitan Mastiff