Tag Archives: partying

Dental Hygiene and Scripted Demolition

The consequences are grave. If I write this scene and this thing gets made, I’ll be responsible for masterminding the demolition of the Avalon Theatre in Hollywood.

I will not have worked alone.  I was bankrolled. There were specific instructions. There was a suggestion. In a lot of ways it feels like an act of terror. A cultural genocide.


I’m supposed to blow the place up. And everyone inside. The idea of taking human lives doesn’t really bother me. In fact, it’s incredibly human. People do it all the time. And in this particular scenario, I’ll be killing actors. Prosthetic limbs will fly through the air. Severed heads shall roll. The screams will be rehearsed, but the explosion must be real. It would be unacceptable to outsource this to the world of special effects and postproduction. No, if I’m going to do it, it’s gotta be the real thing. Now, it’s time to address the repercussions.

I’ve been a part of good times at the Avalon and it’s adjacent lounge, Bardot. I’ve also been there for many an awful show, but I’ll try to focus on the positive.

Scratch that. I want to talk about that party they do on Saturday nights. It starts at 2:00 a.m. and ends at 7:00 a.m. Naturally, it brings in a wild-jaw crowd who couldn’t care less that they stopped serving because they’ve got enough ecstasy to jump-start a lifetime of paranoid schizophrenia and/or complete mental collapse.  Of course, there’s cocaine. There’s always cocaine.

Anyway, the crowd is a bit bizarre—and dedicated—incredibly so.

For the recession price of $30 a head you can mingle in the venue among white men with dreads, Bulgarians who haven’t slept since the fall of the Berlin Wall,  and chicks who are wearing more from the knee down than the knee up. There are also a lot of guys who are grinding their teeth and trying to befriend you for reason, which are unclear.

If you’re having a good time[1], you’ll be amazed at how much you have in common with these people: you both were alive in the 90s, sometimes you eat, and your favorite part about Burning Man is all the chicks are total sluts. Oh yeah, and the psilocybin.  Fast friends. All this transpires while something that sounds like a failed root canal plays on the sound system.

By now, I’m sure you see where I’m coming from. Why would I want to end such a terrific gathering of like-minded people?

Talk about being proactive, none of these guys are going to live long enough to collect the social security that they’re pay into. Here we are, in or between or in the aftermath of a recession and these guys are fueling an economy that they’ll never live long enough to see fully recover. But they’re not thinking about that. They’re thinking about Joseph’s.

There are only two things that I’m afraid of: Gypsies and Joseph’s. I can only pray that they never collaborate.

I claim to know a thing or two about afterhours, but Joseph’s is a different beast. It isn’t a bender that casually drifts into the predawn hours. It isn’t the culmination of too many drinks and a few bad decisions. No, Joseph’s is a lifestyle choice. Joseph’s is reserved for the gnarliest. What I do, looks like churning butter with the Amish to the crowd that frequents Joseph’s.

They’ve got a saying, “Nobody said doing copious amounts of drugs after an evening of drinking too much and bobbing to Romanian house music was going to be easy. Nobody said it was going to be fun.”

Or more aptly: “He who licks the knife will eventually cut his tongue.” – Eugene Hutz

I’ve walked by Joseph’s at 10 a.m., 11 a.m. as late as two o’clock on Sunday[2] and every time I’m frightened by the rancid techno playing in broad daylight. I’m frightened by the emaciated white girls who can smoke a cigarette to its filter in sixty seconds. I’m scared of all the black dudes with bleached hair smiling ear-to-ear. I’m scared of the Bulgarians who are still wearing leather jackets even though it’s ninety-five degrees outside. And what do everyone of these partygoers have in common? Fucked up teeth.

I’m deathly afraid of hygienically unsound teeth.

Can you imagine what it looks like inside? Can you imagine what they’re all doing? And if they’ve been partying since last night, when was the last time they brushed their teeth…?

After being given the task to blow up the Avalon these were the challenges, which I faced. Great mental anguish was endured. It’s not the history that I worry about. It’s the cultural loss that Hollywood will suffer. If I blow up the Avalon, where will Los Angeles go to make horrible decisions between 2:00 and 7:00 a.m.? Who will sustain this crowd until Joseph’s opens? Thai Town doesn’t go until 7:00. Glass noodles must be made! The Thai have shit to do on Sundays. Plus at any given time, there are more people consuming drugs in the Avalon’s numerous bathrooms than there are people hanging in all of the Thai Towns afterhours spots combined.

And by the way, is it technically afterhours if you’re only halfway through at 7:00 a.m.? It seems like a bit of an understatement.

At least now you understand my dilemma. This is why I’ve decided to switch my scripted explosion to the Kodak Theater. Because honestly, who gives a fuck about that place?

Tourists and the Academy.

[1] Read: indulging/over-indulged

[2] No doubt, headed to the Farmer’s Market a block away for dozen of their finest kumquats.

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A Quarterly Mental Health Review By Therapist Dr. Cas Uist

October 22, 2010

Dear (The) Neapolitan Mastiff,

Below please find my quarterly assessment of your growth as an individual and the state of your mental health.

With this document, please find attached, another copy of your outstanding balance, which will need to be settled with Nina before your next visit.

Mr. The Neapolitan Mastiff, to speak generally, I believe you’re making strides. I’m not quite sure if they’re the healthy strides, but you’re certainly moving a quite a pace, which is a drastic improvement from the summer quarter of 2009, when  you professed to have sat dormant on your couch for months, doing nothing, but sweating, calling yourself Jose Antonio Toussant and redrafting the Declaration Of Independence.

Reviewing your goals for 2010: A second quarter review

1. Vowing to go to the grocery store more in 2010 was a good idea, but if you found yourself going and only buying cured meats and alcohol. You haven’t met your resolution you’ve compromised.

2. Having decided that you were going to the grocery store and then having gone only to find you bought copious amounts of vodka led to another resolution in March of 2010. The resolution was to stop buying vodka at the grocery store. A, what you referred to as serendipitous, repercussion of this decision was a newfound love of wine. Instead of purchasing copious amount of vodka, you now say you’re a wine collector. Sadly though, most of your collection doesn’t make it through the weekend. Your original excuse? “It’s not vodka and what am I going to eat all that jamon serrano with?” It’s true, wine isn’t vodka and a man can’t be expected to eat jamon serrano with a glass of milk, but this is yet another compromised resolution.

3. Your final pledge of 2010 was to drink more tomato juice. Upon discovering a love of tomato juice, you found yourself thinking, “God, wouldn’t a stalk of celery and one point five ounces of vodka go nicely with this.” Previously, you claim to have only drunk Bloody Mary’s on airplanes, now you drink them in your living room. Today you’re drinking more tomato juice than ever, but you haven’t really met your goal. You’re drinking an obscene amount of Bloody Mary’s. You’ve made a compromise and the compromise lead you back to drinking vodka.

I find you to be a compromised individual and despite your effort and our weekly meetings, I feel the odds of you reaching any of your other goals (besides “Do not run for President) are so unlikely, they aren’t even worth mentioning.

I hate ending with my patients on a negative note, so I won’t berate you anymore for failing to meet any of your aforementioned resolutions. What I wanted to tell you and I couldn’t at the office, is I’m having a Halloween party on the 29th and I’d like you to come and meet my daughter, Bethany. She’s charming, a senior at Loyola Marymount and I think the two of you would really hit it off. Please come in costume. Vodka will be provided.


Dr. Cas Uist


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Nouvelle Adage Via Mexico D.F.

Pagar cover y no poder chupar es tan de hueva como ir a misa y no rezar.

The Neapolitan Mastiff (courtesy of @Coast2C)

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