Shea Butter and The Neapolitan Mastiff: A Correspondence

To Whom It May Concern @Exchanging Pleasantries:

 

In my lifetime, I’ve had two dreams.

1. Kill George Eliot before she wrote Middlemarch. (too late, I know, but a dream is a wish your heart makes and that is mine.)
2. Intern at Exchanging Pleasantries.

Please find the 2/5 of my C.V. below. I want a job.

Objective

To suckle the fruits of American labor before the entire population dies of obesity in 2012.

Habits

Stunting, flossing (dental), and ornithology (British usage[1])

 

Best regards,

Shea Butter

 

 

Dear Shea Butter,

You’re not an ideal candidate. You don’t even Google. I was holding out for Christina Hendricks or Mubarak, but I’ve yet to hear back. Libya’s beloved Muammar Gaddafi is also in the running[2]. We rely heavily on social media to communicate threats and he seems to have a knack for it.

Also, you appear to be ill informed. The anemic, androgynous, tanorexic inhabitants of my fair city (El Lay) are more likely to die of congestive heart failure than obesity.

That being said, we welcome you with open arms.[3]

Fondly (you know what it is),

The Neapolitan Mastiff